To Fam, From Sam (Part III)
Editor’s Note: Sam is a Full Haus fan favorite, the oldest Birth Panelist, and has more children than most of us combined. This is the third installment of his autobiography, available exclusively on full-haus.com. We will continue to release new chapters every week. Check back regularly for the latest edition from the Dickens of white nationalism!
I will go back a couple years to ages 6-8. There were kids on our block and I knew them. It was also when I was this young that I began to find out about the great mysteries of the opposite sex. I was able to play with almost any kids when I was little. I could play with boys or girls I did not think twice about it. I would play all kinds of games with one girl down the block who was my age: hide-and-seek, tag, and made up games. Then I found out about her favorite game. A game she called, “Strip.” She would like to take off her clothes, at least partially when we were alone and ask me to do the same. She would come up with all kinds of variations of having the lights out, or stripping by oneself and then she would come out in the dark. In the haze of my memory I cannot recall exactly too much detail, maybe because it was one of those things you kind of blank out. I just recall her suggesting it often and I would think to myself, “Not again.” It was very awkward and I could not view it or enjoy it exactly as a sexual experience. She tried to show me things and I kind of looked past her without looking at her. I was ashamed that I did not resist better.
Later in life I would realize that children and young people in general are curious and there is no sin in being curious. Only parents should not let children be together in an unsupervised way for such long periods. But I began from that time to appreciate the mystery of the female and how wonderful and different they were. We men should always acknowledge their differences and keep it in the forefront of our minds. We err if we begin to expect from them what we expect from men, or that we perceive the world way they do. We should want to be close to our wives or other women in our lives but you are only going to run into problems if you think that you can be on exactly the same page with them. They are and always will be different in their outlook and prerogatives.
In a few short years I was in middle school and I began to appreciate music in a new way. The school was making us sell things: magazines, records, 8-track tapes. (Yes, I had 8-track tapes and an 8-track tape player.) Rock and Roll High School was playing in theaters and being talked about on the radio and movie reviews, so I knew about The Ramones. I started buying their records (first from the school sales program) and I immediately keyed on their playing around with what we would now call Nazi memes. They had songs like The KKK Took My Baby Away, Blitzkrieg Bop, and Commando. They would use the American flag and patriotic imagery in a cool way, very much against the status quo sentiments of the music industry at the time. This music was nothing like what was commonly played on the radio or promoted in records stores. Next was the Sex Pistols. I liked the music and their contempt for society but ultimately my interest in them gave way to other bands. They too would use Nazi memes. Sid Vicious wore the swastika and they had a song called Belsen Was a Gas. Later, older scenesters would explain to me that many or even most punk rock bands started out glorifying Nazism. For example, even the super left-wing and faggy Dead Kennedys apparently started out with a white power message.
I would later find out that like the Monkees, both the Ramones and the Sex Pistols were bands envisaged and assembled by producers. They were not exactly organic developments. I saw the movie Decline of Western Civilization in 1982. I was already listening to Black Flag. They had a song White Minority that really got my attention. The movie introduced me to a bunch of new bands: X, Circle Jerks, and others. This movie showed young people wearing the swastika and casually using the word, “nigger.” I think the producer wanted this to look bad, hence the name of the movie, “Decline.” There were other movies around the same time that showed this dimension of the underground music scene and its ties to disaffected white youth. Another example was the movie, Suburbia. One of the young characters explained that he was on the street because his father was a faggot. Returning to pick up his stuff he finds his father passed out with another dude.
But soon I found out that the bands promoted by big record companies were really just imitating and trying to capture and package-for-sale the aggression, honesty, and refreshing and original sound of the street rock bands of the mid-70s, sometimes called Oi!: bands like Cocksparrer, Skrewdriver, Sham 69, Buzzcocks. These guys were the real beat of the street.
And so, by the mid- and late 80s I was listening to white power Oi such as Skrewdriver and Brutal Attack, and American hardcore bands like Agnostic Front, also known for their right wing connotations of patriotism and violence. (There was an explosion of similar stuff from all over the world: Germany, France, Australia. I could go on and on.) Much of this stuff had to be mail ordered from then West Germany. Once in a while you could get lucky at a record store and find some White Power stuff. American hardcore I could find in certain record stores in the city.
I am getting ahead of myself. I do not want to make it seem that I was so single-minded in my tastes or pure in my understanding about things. In some ways I was very open-minded and would listen to a great variety of different things. But as the years go, those other things fell away and certain things remain. It may seem like I have this long history of interest in this material and politics, and it seems like I am some kind of authority about our ideals, but I have seen in others that it was more instructive and productive when someone had an experience of waking up with an adult mind to the realities of this world and the central role that race plays. There is something very decisive about someone explaining their red-pill story rather than coming by a very gradual way to understanding over the course of their entire life.