Ask Waifus: Baby-Wary New Bride
I just married a few months ago. I’m 30 and she’s 25 – a nice blonde haired and blue eyed Slav. She waited until marriage and is completely new to that kind of experience and on top of that she’s adjusting to a totally new country. The talk about children has obviously come up and she’s basically terrified of it. The fear she has I’ve been trying to help relieve, but currently she’s set to wait a couple years before planning it. I am mentally ready (maybe not as much financially, as I fell for the college meme, and a private one at that). It’s also a little tight even though I have a well-paid job, but I’m paying for three people: me, my wife, and her mom back in the old country, and we’re waiting for her documents for her to start to be able to get an income/work (until we have kids). I think the financial aspect will resolve quickly when she is starting to get an income, but her mental readiness? I’m not sure how to gauge it. I don’t know how to ease her into it as she expresses lots of fear at the prospect. Any words of wisdom?
Congratulations on your nuptials to a blonde, blue-eyed Slavic beauty. A fine choice, if I do say so myself. Now allow me to summarize your situation: you married someone from abroad, merely months ago. She is adjusting to marriage, a new country, and intimacy. You suffer from different stresses: you’re financially responsible for three adults, as opposed to just yourself, while navigating the nuances of a new woman. Despite all this, you are anxious to start a family.
You’ve heard from our men that you should get aboard the baby bus for myriad reasons. I don’t need to enumerate them here. But I’d like to clue you in to something that makes women different from men: men are like specialized machines, while women are like an internet browser with 40 out of 40 tabs open at once.
Why is this ham-fisted analogy relevant to you? Because until your blushing bride can deem a task complete and close that browser tab, she doesn’t have room for another one. She’s legitimately overwhelmed and can’t handle another pressure vector. It doesn’t mean you’re wrong, and neither is she. The sooner you learn that you’re different machines and adjust accordingly, the better for you in your marriage.
I may get radishes and onions thrown at me for this, but you don’t have to start a family immediately. Why cause marital resentment for both parties just as you’re getting started? You shouldn’t back down from your stance, but realize that women respond to the “show not tell” approach, while men answer to the opposite. She is likely trying to impress you, and wishes for reciprocal efforts. My advice is a strategic retreat from conception coercion, and demonstrate your love for her. Prove you can take care of her and her mother for a while. Learn to speak a little of her native tongue. Be selfless in bed, and witness her becoming putty in your hands.
On the topic of employment: have her look into nannying or babysitting jobs. Your wife will earn excellent money while investigating what it means to be a mother. And even if the kids are absolute terrorists, she knows they’re not hers, and the experience will evoke her latent maternal instincts. Further, these are jobs she can pick up or quit whenever she likes, so it won’t impact her willingness to start her own family (muh career).
We appreciate your sincerity and desire to engage in the most important and rewarding responsibility you’ll ever have. Yet a strong family requires a firm foundation, and I encourage you to solidify yours before expanding.